Dating While Bi+ and Black: The Double Standards We Face
TL;DR
Bi+ Black men often navigate a complex landscape of dating challenges, including invisibility, fetishization, and erasure. This article explores the historical roots of these stereotypes, their psychological impact, and offers actionable steps for healing and reclaiming joy in dating authentically.
The Problem
Navigating the dating world as a bi+ Black man involves confronting a myriad of assumptions and judgments. Societal perceptions often label us as confused, untrustworthy, or sexually promiscuous, especially when we openly express attraction to more than one gender. In heterosexual spaces, there’s a tendency to assume we’re secretly gay, while within LGBTQ+ communities, we might be perceived as not queer enough. These biases create emotional barriers, making it challenging to form meaningful connections.
Moreover, Black masculinity is frequently scrutinized and stereotyped. Introducing bisexuality or fluidity into this already charged context adds another layer of complexity, leading to questions about our authenticity and intentions.
The Psychology
The intersection of bi-erasure and biphobia, especially when directed at Black men, can result in identity suppression, anxiety, and shame. Research indicates that bisexual individuals often face worse mental health outcomes than their gay and straight counterparts due to minority stress, lack of validation, and social isolation (Feinstein & Dyar, 2017). For bi+ Black men, these challenges are compounded by the simultaneous experiences of racism, queerphobia, and misogynoir.
This internal conflict may lead us to downplay or conceal aspects of our identity to avoid rejection, or to adopt hypermasculine behaviors to “prove” our heterosexuality or dominance. Such self-policing undermines our authenticity and hampers our ability to be vulnerable in relationships.
The History
Prior to colonization and slavery, many African societies embraced more fluid understandings of sexuality and gender. For instance, the Fon people of Benin acknowledged same-sex relationships among warriors, and pre-colonial Mali included male-male intimacy in its oral histories (Murray & Roscoe, 1998). However, colonial Christianity and Western imperialism imposed rigid binary views of gender and sexuality upon the Black world.
During slavery in the United States, Black male bodies were both hypersexualized and stripped of agency. Enslaved men were subjected to sexual violence by white enslavers, yet their own sexualities were criminalized and pathologized. This legacy persists today, manifesting in the stigma, shame, and stereotypes that surround any deviation from “acceptable” Black masculinity.
The Facts
44% of Black bisexual men report concealing their sexuality from family due to fear of judgment (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021).
Bisexual men are more likely to experience anxiety and depression than both gay and straight men (Feinstein & Dyar, 2017).
A 2022 study found that bi+ men are less likely to receive positive responses on dating apps compared to their straight and gay counterparts, particularly if they are Black (Callander et al., 2022).
These statistics underscore the systemic erasure and discrimination that bi+ Black men face, affecting our mental health and opportunities for connection.
The Advice
Navigating the dating scene as a bi+ Black man comes with unique challenges. Here are some practical tips to help you build authentic and fulfilling relationships:
Be Transparent About Your Identity
When you feel safe, share your bisexuality early in the dating process. This honesty can filter out individuals who may not respect or understand your experiences, paving the way for more genuine connections.
Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
Define what you’re looking for in a relationship and communicate your boundaries. Whether it’s monogamy, open relationships, or something else, clarity helps in finding compatible partners.
Choose Inclusive Dating Platforms
Some dating apps are more inclusive and affirming of bi+ identities. Research and select platforms that prioritize diversity and have policies against discrimination.
Address Stereotypes Head-On
If confronted with misconceptions about bisexuality, take the opportunity to educate and clarify. This not only challenges biphobia but also sets a precedent for open communication.
Prioritize Mental Health
Dating can be emotionally taxing, especially when facing discrimination. Seek support from mental health professionals who understand the intersectionality of race and sexuality.
Build a Supportive Community
Engage with groups and communities that affirm your identity. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can provide encouragement and reduce feelings of isolation.
Join the Conversation
Have you faced double standards while dating as a bi+ Black man? Share your experiences and insights in our private community on the BAND app. Engaging with others who understand your journey can offer support and solidarity.
For more in-depth discussions on topics like this, tune into the Bi+ Black Men podcast, available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We delve into identity, relationships, culture, and more, providing a platform for voices like yours.
References
Callander, D., Holt, M., & Newman, C. E. (2022). Swipe left: Racial and sexual orientation bias in online dating. Sexualities, 25(4), 532–550.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). HIV and African American Gay and Bisexual Men.
Feinstein, B. A., & Dyar, C. (2017). Bisexuality, minority stress, and health. Current Sexual Health Reports, 9(1), 42–49.
Murray, S. O., & Roscoe, W. (1998). Boy-Wives and Female Husbands: Studies in African Homosexualities. Palgrave Macmillan.
